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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  December 18, 2014 1:35pm-2:06pm PST

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just above this much smaller headline "but more same clinton should quit, polls show." ( cheers and applause ) thank you. well done, "the usa today." thank you for reminding us that this historic primary has not become a manufactured battle reported long past its relevance in a bald-faced effort to sell papers. it is what the people want. just not most of them. nation.... ( applause ) nation, i was on the internets last night conducting my weekly search for sex tapes of myself. i'm pretty sure i haven't made any, but i do take a lot of ambien, so you never know. now, i did not... keep me posted. now, i didn't find any footage of me, but i did find something that made my blood boil.
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apparently, some jokers out there have posted a 20-year-old video of my mentor papa bear bill o'reilly on the set of his polk-award winning series "inside edition." jimmy, show them what i'm talking about. >> that's tomorrow. that is it for us today. >> stephen: whatever it is. it's not right on the teleprompter. i don't know what that is. i've never seen that. i can't read it. there's no words on it. there's no words there. to play us out. what does that mean? to play us out? >> it's a video. it's a sting video. >> i don't know what that means. to play us out. what does that mean? to end the show? >> yeah. >> all right. go, go. that's tomorrow. and that is it for us today.
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we will leave you with a... i can't do it. we'll do it live. we'll do it live (beep). do it live. we'll do it live. (beep) >> that's tomorrow. that is it for us today. i'm bill o'reilly thanks again for watching. we'll leave you with sting and a cut off his new album. take it away. >> stephen: now, folks, before you pass judgment, keep in mind this clip is from the early '90s. that means the sting individual owe he was going to play was from sting's album the soul cages. the first time i heard it, i wanted to bead someone to death with a lute. now, i can see why this o'reilly clip is popular. it's a shocker. i mean, who could have guessed
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bill o'reilly had a temper? >> he should have been deported. and this mayor and this police chief didn't deport him. >> stephen: good one, bill. now, as far as i'm concerned bill did nothing wrong in that "inside edition" clip. he just has a firm hand. ask anyone he has loofa 'd. you've got to strike a little fear into the crew. i mean, my crew is always trying to sneak phrases into the teleprompter and i and my tiny, tiny penis will not stand for it. i have a tiny penis, okay? so, in solidarity, in solidarity with you, bill, tonight i am showing a never- before-seen clip of me back when i was the midday anchor at ptst in patterson springs, north carolina. jimmy? >> it was the first time they had seen something like this
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in over 20 years in the business. looks like at this pet store, it really is a dog eat dog world. >> stephen: now it's time for the oops file. correcting yesterday's broadcast, shamir is not a character on perfect strangers. but is actually the prime minister of israel. i'm.... >> stephen: okay. we have a problem. something is wrong with the prompter. those are not the right words. those aren't words. what does that mean? i am sorry i was wrong. what is that? i don't know that. i've never seen those words before in my life. what? >> it's an apology. >> you mean like i made a mistake. >> i'm not research. so i'm not... whatever that word is. >> that's the script. let's just do it, stephen. >> stephen: fine, fine. we'll do it again. we'll do it again. come on. actually, the prime minister of israel. iowa's... (mumbling) what the
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hell. beep, beep, beep) (who is that new guy? what's your name? brian what? (beep) brian williams. you'll never work in this business again. i'm too big for this town. i'll let you know i had a call back for a job in richmond, virginia. (beep) capital v-a. (beep) well, we'll do it live (beep) >> stephen, stephen, this is live. >> stephen: well that's it for the news at noon. where we bring you what matterson to patterson... springs. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: may i point out nobody wears dickeys anymore, just me and brokaw. it's a lost art. we'll be right back. we did it. we did it! ♪ it is official, we gave the people what they wanted. the nation's strongest lte signal. this is a big deal! soak it in! just let it wash over you like a warm bath.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, you know, there's an old saying "behind every great legislator there's a free golf trip to scotland." i'm talking, of course, about lobbyists. despite efforts to limit the
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influence of special interests, there are over 35,000 lobbyists in washington d&c, a testament to the massive influence of the most powerful lobby of all, the lobby lobby. and i have made it my mission to interview all of the lobbyists. tonight i bring you the third installment of my 35,000-part series "better know a lobby." tonight, the gun control lobby." the fightin' pacifists. they may hate guns but they have no problem blasting holes in the constitution. and the biggest offender of all is the brady campaign to prevent gun violence founded by former reagan press secretary james brady. 15 years ago, the brady campaign convinced congress to pass a bill requiring a five-day waiting period and background check before purchasing a gun. ridiculous. that takes all the spontaneity out of hunting. by the time you go through all the red tape and get your gun,
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that deer will have untangled himself from your swing set. but gun laws don't just hurt me. they hurt the most vulnerable members of our society. those ladies need those guns to protect themselves from being objectifyed. i recently sat down with brady campaign president paul helmke and interviewed him with the safety off. thank you so much for talking to us today. >> happy to be here. >> stephen: the first question obviously, are you packing heat? >> no. >> stephen: in all fairness i should probably get rid of mine then. >> how many do you have, stephen? >> stephen: well, i don't keep a log.
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>> neither does the government. >> stephen: okay. defend the brady campaign to prevent gun violence. >> the brady campaign wants sensible gun laws. >> jon: sounds like you're coming for our guns. >> we're not trying to take everybody's guns away. >> stephen: you want to take them away. the right of the people to bear arms shall not be infringed. you are talking about infringement. there is infringing going on. >> we're still arguing about what the constitution means. >> stephen: but there are infringement. >> they didn't allow everybody to bear guns. >> stephen: infringe, infringe, infringe, infringe. >> the only amendment that has the word regulate in it.
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>> stephen: you might as well wear a fringe jacket. >> the thing here is we make it too easy for dangerous people to get guns. >> stephen: name one situation when you don't need a gun. >> i don't ever carry a gun around. >> stephen: what if i came at you right now with a knife. >> if you did that, i would try to trip you up and get away from you. >> stephen: but i five-stepped your trip-up. >> i would try to appeal to your rational side. if you don't have a rational side, i would try to kick you where i can hurt you. >> stephen: in the brass. even if you shot me, i'm hopped up on screamers. let's switch gears for a second. why do you want to ban all guns. >> i'm not anti-gun. but we realize that we make it too easy for dangerous people to get guns. right now we don't do anything to keep the crazy people from getting the guns. >> stephen: do you know who people thought was crazy? jesus.
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they thought he was crazy. now, imagine how much more hopeful the story of the gospel would be if jesus had guns. >> you agree that the idea of jesus with a gun is a good image. >> that's not the image i hold in my heart with jesus. >> stephen: but it's a nice one to picture. >> it's again when you look back with jesus and.... >> stephen: i'm picturing it. hold on. i had a great picture of jesus with a pistol. >> adding guns to a situation only escalates the situation. >> stephen: what about two guns? what if you had two guns? you can give a crazy person a gun, give a sane person two guns. then they can protect themselves from the crazy person. >> guns are dangerous weapons. you talk to jim brady about what a bullet can do. he took that bullet in the head at the time of the
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assassination attempt of president reagan. >> stephen: how long is he going to hold that up, "i know more about being shot than you do because i got shot." wouldn't it take more courage to be shot and go, no, i'm not going to infringe on other people's rights just because something bad happened to me. that would be bold. >> jim brady i think is really one of the true heroes in our society. >> stephen: that's just a card you're playing to win an argument as opposed to listening to the issues here which is people want guns. if you say, hey, guns kill a lot of people. look what happened at virginia tech and columbine and look at our leaders and how many children are killed every year by play ing with guns that were not locked properly. look at couples that kill each other. look at how many people in individual families are murdered by members of their own family. look how more likely you are to be killed by a gun that you are keeping in your house than to be able to defend yourself. look how hard it is for policemen to defend themselves when they were attacked by
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someone with a weapon. i think people are tired of a the "a lot of people have been killed by guns" card. >> it's reality. that's why i'm in this fight. >> stephen: thank you for talking with us today. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, sir. >> thank you. >> stephen: we'll be right back. this is a pip. it's part of a hershey's bar. we break it. we bite it. we sneak it. we smoosh it.
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we savor it. we love it. hershey's is mine, yours, our chocolate.
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subway is celebrating you. customer appreciation is back. enjoy two favorites for $2 each. the six-inch meatball marinara and the cold cut combo. all that for just $2? yep, it's our way of saying thanks. subway. eat fresh.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight has written a book about what really sank
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the titanic. i don't know what it is, but i guarantee this will be the greatest interview in the history of television and nothing can possibly go wrong. please welcome jennifer hooper mccarty. ( cheers and applause ) thank you, ms. mccarty for joining us today. i've got a little problem with your book. right off bat, your title is very provocative. "what really sank the titanic." we know what sank the titanic. history has shut the book. it was an iceberg which i call the terrorist of the high seas. that's why i am in favor of global warming. it is pay-back time, baby. pay-back. ( applause ) >> well, you think that the book has been shut. but in tult the iceberg is just the trigger for the
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event. it was really a faulty rivet. >> stephen: the what? >> the faulty rivets. >> stephen: faulty rivet? what's a faulty rivet? >> well, a rivet is like a two- headed nail that holds steel plates together. and the rivets on the titanic were made with substandard iron. >> stephen: those little bumps there. >> those are the little bumps. >> stephen: there are a lot of them. what could possibly have gone wrong. >> that's the whole problem that there were many ships being built at once. they were looking for as much iron as they could find. it turns out that they had sub standard iron. they popped when they hit the iceberg. >> stephen: how do you know this? you're making this stuff up. have you been down there and yanked one of them there rivets out there? >> stephen. >> stephen: have you done it? and please use the term "them there." have you done this? >> i have my ph.d. in
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metallurgy. >> stephen: excuse me. i guess you know more than james cameron then. because you have a ph.d.. >> about the rivets i do. >> stephen: it sounds like you're letting icebergs off the hook. is that a rivet right there? >> this is a replica. this is what a rivet looked like on the titanic. this is actually one of the rivets that we broke. it popped under the head which proves my thesis which proved that the iron was sub stand or. when it collided with the iceberg, the rivets popped and the seam opened and water came in. >> stephen: how did you break that? >> well, we did a simulation test. >> stephen: did you hit it with an iceberg? >> as close as we could get. >> stephen: what did you hit it with? with a head of iceberg lettuce? what did you hit it with? i'm not saying your theory is wrong. i'm saying i reject it. >> (laughing). >> stephen: now, defend it. what did you hit that with?
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>> we performed a test called a slow bending test that caused the seams to start to fold open just like they did during the collision. we recreated the collision in a lab experiment. >> stephen: but the iceberg still hit the ship. >> the iceberg still hit the ship. >> stephen: right in the forward starboard bow. >> exactly. that's where the substandard rivets were. >> stephen: why were there substandard rivets? this is the unsinkable ship. >> i went to england exactly to try to figure out the answer to that question so i had to dig around in the archives until i could find some answers. >> stephen: go on. i'm on the edge of my chair. i'm picturing you in a musty archive. go ahead. with a flashlight being surrounded by bad guys. >> i learned that the board was under a lot of pressure. they were building three ships at one time. they had to hire as many
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workers as they could. they were trying to find iron wherever they could. so they actually ordered iron that wasn't as high quality. they were using unskilled workers to build the ship. so all these things combined with decisions that they made. they all add up to explain what really sank the titanic. >> stephen: this is my private theory that there were too many poor people on the lower deck. what about that? the asters and that crowd, it wouldn't have sunk. god wouldn't have let that happen, right? by the way, what about this theory that god sank it because he didn't want a rich girl like kate winslow sleeping with a poor guy like leonardo. >> unfortunately i don't address that in this book. >> stephen: there's a sequel in there. now do you investigate any other shipping disasters like the lusutania or the empress
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of ireland. that's a good one. >> right now i'm working on some stuff from the panama canal. >> stephen: what happened there? it sucked teddy roosevelt down with it. >> stephen, i have to tell you if anything happens to the eiffel tower, if it collides with an iceberg or if it collapses, you're going to know who to call. >> stephen: give me your cell phone number. i'll put you on speed dial. thank you so much. the book is jennifer hooper mccarty's "what really sank the titanic." we'll be right back.
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captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh >> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. don't forget to go online and watch the colbert report back stage after show-show. it's where i go into a room with a perfect replication of this set and re-enact this show exactly. it's going to be fun. good night. ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> well, folks, that's the show. watch when we broadcast from the
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persian gulf. for security reasons, i can't tell you where or when it will be. but i can say this. it will be one hour earlier in the central time zone. great show, everybody. high five. >> hey, stephen so where and when are we going to the persian gulf? >> i don't know, matt, the pentagon won't even tell me. i'm beginning to think this whole thing is a hoax. the moon landing all over again. it's go-time. whaat? you guys really think i'm fat? [tires screeching]
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excuse me, where are you taking me? if you are going to saudi arabia, you really should take the holland tunnel. hi, i wanted to buy the solar powered self-inflating patio furniture. does that come with a grill attachment? >> this is your captain speaking. if you look outside your window you will see nothing that could give you any clue where you are going. >> hi, i just got here and i was wondering where the bar is. >> the bar, sorry, sir, there's no alcohol allowed here.


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